I can't
by wolfgirl2001
Summary: A few chapters of Jim reacting to several occasions where Pam says those two little words, told from his POV. Beginning on Casino Night, of course.
1. Chapter 1: The first time

Chapter 1: The first time (Casino night)

 _What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?_

 _I just needed you to know. Once._

 _Well… I, um, I….I can't._

* * *

He was initially planning to let it drop. Agree with her. Of _course_ , she can't. She'd never do that to Roy, as crummy a fiancé as he was.

Except- something inexplicable keeps Jim from nodding his head in agreement. He chalks it up to sheer stubbornness, determination to see this grand gesture through to the end, bitter though it may be. I mean, he'd already gone this far, taken the leap, told her he was in love with her, for God's sake. Why be passive now?

So impulsively he decides to challenge her instead.

"Why can't you?"

Pam looks taken aback, and at the same time, somehow annoyed. Now she must justify her actions, which she clearly wasn't prepared to do. Her eyes are wide as she opens her mouth, which was pouting at the corners.

"Be- because," she sputters. She hesitates, as though that should have explained everything. When it's clear that it didn't, at least not to him, she heaves a huge sigh as she continues, exasperated. "Because I'm _engaged,_ remember?"

He can't help but think of Michael Scott at that moment, his response on the booze cruise the minute that Jim proclaimed the very same thing. ' _She's engaged'._ ' _Pffttttt_. _BFD. Engaged ain't married.'_

Jim shrugs. As tempted as he was to quote their boss just now, he knew that was rarely a good idea, particularly if he wanted Pam to take him seriously. And he currently can't think of anything else to say- he's not sure if there's anything else he _can_ say.

Pam takes it all wrong, misinterprets his resignation for nonchalance. Already irritated, she pounces. "What? Doesn't that bother you?"

Jim shrugs again- he can't help it. He takes a deep breath before replying. "Of course it does, Pam. But didn't you hear what I just said?"

Pam doesn't respond, and Jim realizes that it's pointless to try to say any more right now. She heard him, but she didn't _really_ hear him.

He decides to wait with the hope that with a little time, maybe his words to her will eventually start to sink in. Once they do, she'll change her mind- right? In the meantime, he's content to let the silence hang in the air between them.

But instead, she abruptly slashes through the quiet night air, and his heart, with her reply. "You have no idea….what your friendship means to me…"

 _She still hasn't heard you_ , Jim says to himself, over and over. He wills it to be true in an effort to keep from crying.


	2. Chapter 2: The second time

Chapter 2: The second time (also Casino night)

A/N: This one doesn't take place immediately after when she says it, but after their kiss instead. Dialogue from the show is in italics.

* * *

 _C'mon. I don't wanna do that. I want to be more than that._

 _I can't… I'm really sorry….if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault._

 _Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted, uh, our friendship._

Well, fuck waiting for her to _really_ hear him- neither of them had the time for it; there's too much riding on this. His transfer to Stamford, her wedding, his trip to Australia. He knew there wasn't anything else he could say to better express his feelings for Pam; he needed to _show_ her. Pulling away from their kiss, Jim's confidence surges despite the fact that his entire body is trembling.

Of course it is. That kiss- it was pure magic. Pam's warm, soft lips against his, their bodies pressed together in their embrace- it was every bit the fantasy he'd conjured in his mind.

And Jim had done a lot of conjuring.

Pam just looks at him, seemingly back to Earth now, and the pressure builds. What should he say? Is there anything he _can_ say to top what they've just done? No, definitely not. But Jim decides in that moment to speak a simple truth. " _You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that._ "

" _Me, too. I think we're just drunk._ "

Jim tries to dissect the two wholly incongruent halves of Pam's reply.

On one hand- _me, too_! He's almost ecstatic to hear that she'd had the same thoughts about wanting to kiss him. Though based on how she responded to his mouth on hers, how could she not have? He wasn't a total idiot when it came to body language. There was no faking, no half-assing that kiss. She was all in.

On the other- _I think we're just drunk_. Was Pam really trying to downplay the monumental, earth-shattering mouth-to-mouth contact that they just shared as a fluke, the result of them both having had too much alcohol? Jim decides to put that notion to bed right away.

" _No, I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?_ "

" _No…_ "

Pam trails off, looking deep in thought. Jim is afraid of what she's thinking, so he softly interrupts her.

"Did I really misinterpret things?" he whispers, practically pleading. Of everything she's said tonight, it's what's affected him the most. There was absolutely no fucking way he was imagining their chemistry, the spark that ignited between them when they were together. If Pam wanted to ignore it for the sake of convenience, that was one thing, but it would kill him if she continued to deny that it existed at all.

Pam doesn't deny it, but she doesn't confirm it, either. She stays silent instead, shrugging her shoulders once. He can't tell what she's thinking. He looks more closely at her face, searching her eyes.

She's clearly conflicted, and he hates to ask her to say it. But he needs to hear it, one way or another. "Did I?" he whispers even more softly.

She doesn't answer again, just gives him the same shoulder shrug. She looks tormented, like answering him would be the end of her. Jim realizes just then that he can't force Pam to admit that there were things that she did for him to misinterpret. She's too nice a person, and giving another guy reason to fall in love with her while she's engaged isn't nice, apparently- no matter how much of a douche her fiancée is. Kissing a guy back that she's not engaged to isn't nice, either. Pam will never be able to let go of those preconceived notions right now, Jim rationalizes, no matter what her feelings actually are.

And _that's_ what he needs to hear anyway. He decides to take a different approach, leaning a little closer. "Is it that you can't, or that you don't want to?"

Pam turns away for a minute, avoiding his gaze, but Jim keeps his eyes locked on hers. After a while, when she finally makes eye contact again, Jim can suddenly discern all of her warring emotions. Fear, guilt, anxiety. And he can recognize another one now, clear as day. Not that he couldn't already predict it based on the slight flush of her cheeks. _Desire_.

 _She wants to._

He needs to try again. He slowly leans in to kiss her.

She stops him before he can. " _Jim-,_ "

He pulls away, feeling hopeless. Might as well ask, find out now, die quickly. " _You're really going to marry him_?"


	3. Chapter 3: The third time

Chapter 3: The third time (later in the evening of The Job)

A/N: Glad I finally feel like I have the time to update this! We'll be veering from canon now. Also, I'm assuming their first date is similar to (but not the same as) the one I described in my other fanfic, The Job & the Date… (though it's not necessary to read that one first)

* * *

 _Did….did you want to come up? The 'tour' will be leaving shortly._

 _I- I can't._

This wasn't how Jim pictured the date ending at all.

When Pam had gotten out of her interview with the documentary crew, he had asked her where she wanted to go for dinner so that he could make reservations. As it so happened, she mentioned Farley's- which was right near his place. Now, Jim would have been eager to drive to Pam's to get her anyway- more alone time while driving was always good- so he replied by asking what time he should pick her up. But Pam, practical as she was, offered to drive out to his place instead, and he didn't want to refuse her. It didn't bother him at the time, but it occurred to Jim while driving home that Pam would probably have felt a lot more comfortable navigating the end of their date if they were standing outside of _her_ apartment instead of his. He realized then that he wasn't going to get to kiss Pam on her doorstep, let her call the shots, decide if she wanted to ask him in. Jim found himself anxious as the evening seemed to draw to a close. The reason why was all too obvious- he didn't want their date to end.

They'd had an amazing time- with a delicious dinner at Farley's consisting of perfectly cooked steak and seafood (and wine, of course), plenty of stimulating dinner conversation, and then an incredibly romantic few hours on the roof of the Dunder-Mifflin office building. He'd re-created what he'd considered to be their first date all along- the evening they spent up there after acting out Michael Scott's ridiculous "Threat Level Midnight" screenplay so long ago, back when she was still with Roy. Tonight, Jim had surprised her with flowers and Christmas lights and dessert up on the rooftop, and they'd snacked and talked and watched Dazed and Confused on his video iPod and even swayed to some music under the moonlight.

So Jim kissed her on _his_ porch instead- in a true role reversal, Pam had walked him there- and it was as romantic and tender and passionate as he'd envisioned ever since their lips locked on that casino night. But he wanted more. So of course, he had to go for it and ask Pam to come upstairs with him. He'd been thinking about her this way for _years_ , for crying out loud. She hadn't seen his new apartment, the one that didn't necessitate a roommate due to his promotion to the "new number two" at Dunder-Mifflin Scranton. Jim had tried to keep it light; jokingly referring to the last time Pam was in his bedroom- back at the barbeque he'd had at his old place. She'd seemed eager to take the tour then. Perhaps it wouldn't be any different this time, despite the fact that she wouldn't be touring his apartment as part of a group.

Apparently it was.

"Oh, um, okay," was all he managed at first. Jim was finding it difficult to comprehend the level of rejection that he felt. He stared at his shoes, awkwardly wondering what to add, before finally conceding a falsely cheerful, "Well, goodnight." This was the _last_ thing he wanted, but after Pam shot him down, he didn't really have much of a choice in the matter. He'd already kissed her, so kissing her again would feel weird now that she'd rejected his offer. He swallowed heavily, turning around and preparing to retreat to the inside of his place, defeated.

Jim felt a soft brush of her fingers on his arm and heard the whisper of his name. "Jim."

He turned back around and met Pam's eyes, illuminated under the porch light. He didn't say anything; he just searched them for the reassurance that he so desperately needed. What he saw instead was that he may need to reassure _her_ \- her eyes were wide, anxious. She bit her lip as she spoke next, attempting to explain. "I'm sorry; I'm just nervous."

Jim tried to understand. Sure, what he ultimately hoped they would do tonight was a big deal. But- she was skipping a little far ahead of things, wasn't she? He would have been content just to spend more time with her, extend their already-perfect date, even if things _didn't_ escalate physically. Pam hadn't seemed nervous so far this evening.

Though the fact that she was thinking of activities between them that made her nervous Jim took as a good sign.

He shrugged. "I'm not trying to make you feel nervous. I'm- I'm just having a wonderful time. I'm not ready for the night to end just yet." He coughed anxiously. "Are you?"

Pam nodded in understanding, looked to the floor. It was hard to tell from the porchlight, but it looked like Pam began to blush. She refused to make eye contact. "No. It's just-," Pam sighed heavily, as if she knew that what she was about to say would elicit a negative reaction, "It's just- you were probably with Karen last night," she sneaked him a quick look and likely got the confirmation she was looking for by the guilty expression on his face- how could he have known that he would get that note from Pam the very next day that would get him thinking even more than he'd already begun to? Yeah, he and Karen were intimate last night- they spent the night in a hotel in New York City after having a great evening together.

But after tonight? His time with Karen seemed merely okay. After all, he wasn't in love with her. And he never had been.

He wasn't sure if this was the best time to say so to Pam. "Pam, you are the _only_ one that I want to be with right now," he wasn't sure how Pam would interpret his words, but he decided that he didn't care, because they were true regardless. "I just didn't know for sure if you felt the same way."

Pam's eyes had taken up nearly permanent residence trained to the ground. "But-," her voice came out small and scared, "Karen's so smart. And successful. And pretty."

Jim couldn't help it- he let his jaw drop. _That_ was what she was nervous about? Measuring up? Little did Pam seem to know that _she_ was the one who no one else could stack up against.

Well, he would just have to show her.

Jim gently put his hand beneath her chin, ever-so-slowly tilting it up so that Pam's face was now angling towards his. He leaned in and kissed her.

This kiss wasn't like their other ones. This one was slower, more deliberate, more measured. He didn't close his eyes. As soon as his lips made contact with hers, he lifted his other hand so that he could touch both sides of her face. His fingers mirroring each other, he softly traced the edges of her jaw lines as he eased his mouth open into their kiss and he began to use his tongue, to which Pam enthusiastically responded. Jim moved his hands to her ears, tenderly tracing first her earlobes and then slowly swirling his fingertips up and around the delicate cartilage. He could feel Pam smile into his lips. His hands next wound their way into her wild curly hair, fingertips massaging her scalp and stirring up the scent of her shampoo, causing her to sigh into his mouth and him to reflexively inhale deeply. God, she smelled so _good_. Jim eased his hands out of her mane and let them move towards her prominent cheekbones, slowly following her petite bone structure. He gently pulled away from their kiss as his fingers landed towards the outer rims of her eyes. Pam still had her eyes closed, lids flickering, and he ever-so-gently moved the tips of his pointer fingers across her lashes, taking his time. He then lifted his fingertips up to slowly draw two imaginary parallel lines up the center of her face to her forehead, then back down past the bridge of her nose to her lips, which were full and swollen and red from their kissing. As Jim encircled his fingertips around the bow of her lips on either side of her mouth and back to her chin where he began, he leaned in close to whisper into Pam's ear.

"Pam, _no one_ is as beautiful to me as you are." He meant every word. Her skin was as smooth as a porcelain doll's, yet soft as silk. He wanted to touch her like that all night. He _still_ wanted to touch her. And not just on her face, as amazing as the experience just was.

Pam finally held his gaze for a moment, and he could see her eyes getting glassy as they began to fill with tears. But Pam moved her chin away, determined not to get weighed down in the seriousness of the moment. She brought the back of her hand up towards her face, tapping on an imaginary wristwatch. "I think I still have a few minutes," she eventually declared in an attempt to be lighthearted, though her voice cracked in the process. She winked at him, eyes still a little teary. "What time did you say the tour leaves again?"


End file.
